Boyfriend? What are those?!

I have never had a boyfriend.

Like legit...been single my whole life and I don't know how to feel about it.

I'm really going to just use this space and try to figure it out because I need answers...the people...need answers.

Where do I even begin?

Oh yes, let's start with the fact that I was raised by a single-mother who literally did everything for herself, and never depended on no man to ever make ends meet. Having such a head strong mother running the ship really influenced the way I view my independence, and not having a father figure in the home really made way for some insecurities. I don't think I trust men. Even if I want to, I find that my upbringing and the track record of the men in my life, in particular my father *cough* hasn't made me the biggest fan of the male species. I guess you can say I prepare to feel abandoned before anything serious even begins, which causes me to detach physically, spiritually, and emotionally, real quick.

My daddy issues are definitely not the only thing in the way of my Teyana and Iman courtship.

I honestly was never into guys up until, let's say the age of 18 lol. Even now, I'm still not into guys. While most girls my age were worried about which guy was checking who, and all that other pre-teen shit being "foss" and all...here I am just sticking to the books and just minding my own business. I was so okay with being that cool chick that can hang, that I think I forced myself into being a "mandem". Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being "mandem", but something that I need to work on is knowing when to be "mandem" and when to be a single damsel in distress in need of her King...because lately that's what I've been. It also seems as if the kid (me) underwent a "glow up" as the youth would call it, and I really don't know how to feel about that. Imagine going from being viewed as the dorky, lanky, token black friend...to Jourdan Dunn over night. There was no preparing for this life, nor guide book for everything that comes with being a nerd in a "supermodel's" body.

Another roadblock on my quest to romance would be finding a partner on my frequency.

Hey, I don't think I'm the most horrible looking, and honestly speaking, I've met a lot of good looking men in my short career of "Alright fine, I guess I'll let you in just a little". All that to say...physical play ain't never been an issue. Where the real issues lie is meeting a guy who wants more than the physical me. I get it, it's inevitable. You can't help the fact that the majority of men are attracted to what they see on the surface first, and really just think with their dicks most of the time. My biggest challenge is meeting a man who can handle all that I am mentally and spiritually. I need a man who will stimulate my mind the way I know I'm stimulating his. Nowadays I feel like men expect sex from females without any real substance which is most definitely the opposite of how I operate. Sex is way more than a physical act to me and I really try to take it seriously...and that's just a warning to any of you reading this planning your next attack. I'm starting to think that I scare these fellas away lol. I get it...it's not ideal for a guy to be trying to buss a nut as he's hit with questions like "Do you know your history?" Do you know you're identity before slavery?" Can we say "Queen Blue Balls"!

With all that being said, I would LOVE a relationship...scratch that, a partnership. I don't just want to have relations with my guy, I want to be his equal life partner. I want to be his "mandem" when he needs a friend to talk to, his freak in the sheets because duh, his Queen all day, and the mother to his children. Moving forward I know that I need to keep putting out in the universe what I am looking for in a man as well as continuing to pray that when the Most High sends him my way that I will have the spirit to see the signs. As of right now, I'm really just using my time to learn more about myself, and developing the Godly traits that will allow me to be the best wife for my husband. I don't know who I'm talking about yet but just know I'm excited for our future!