The Truth About My Sexual Orientation
- Racquel Wallen
- Jun 19, 2018
- 4 min read
Okay wow, I never thought I would be sharing this publicly, but I feel like I have to in order to feel more at peace with myself. I get that not everyone will understand where I’m coming from and that’s okay, but for the overly confused, there is always Google and I will be leaving a plethora of links and podcasts in this post to get you familiar. So without further or due, let’s get into this!
Up until about a year ago, I’ve considered myself to be heterosexual. But the way I was feeling inside wasn’t matching that definition. I have since learned that what I identify the most with is asexual.
What It Is
Asexuality or "ace" is a sexual orientation where the person does not experience sexual attraction. I have had plenty of sex in the past, but it was never associated with me being aroused physically (sorry to all you folks I fooled). But growing up, as a society we saw (and continue to see) sex everywhere and as a “normal” human thing to be doing and if you weren't, you were weird asf. So for me, having sex all this time was definitely something I did to feel normal and not be viewed as something weird. Let me be clear in saying that asexuality is not celibacy, a choice, a fear of sex, or something I have adopted because I “haven’t found or wasn’t doing it with the right person”. Asexuality in itself is a whole spectrum of feelings that many people can associate with.
So Where On The Spectrum Am I?
I believe I would be classified as a “heteromantic” asexual. This means that I prefer to have romantic relationships with the opposite sex, but don't experience sexual attraction towards them. I do still obviously recognize a physically attractive person, but it doesn't get to the sexual attraction state. I do experience a certain pull/connection with some people that I don't with others as I'm drawn to people's spirits and personalities more so than physical aspects. I have been in love and do want to eventually be with someone as I have a lot of love to give. I enjoy all the things couples like to do together (dates, hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc.), it's just the sex part that is different for me. Don't get me wrong, if whoever I end up with wants to have sex, I wouldn’t be opposed if I was comfortable with the person. They would just have to keep in mind that the act would be 95% for the satisfaction of themself. I obviously still get something out of sex, I mean I do have nerve endings down there lol, I just don't go through the “normal" sexual response cycle.
How Did You Know You Were Asexual?
It has always been in the back of mind since I was around 12 or so. But I just kept ignoring the feelings until it actually became a problem when I started to be with people and in relationships. How did I survive these situations? Well, let's just say I deserve a Grammy (don't get me wrong, it does not mean the people I was with were bad in bed just to clarify lol). But during and inbetween those situations I would constantly tell myself to keep doing it if I ever wanted to be in a relationship, I mean all guys want sex right? There was always that negative self-talk I would have that would bring me to a place of immense sadness because I thought that no guy out there would ever want to be with someone who feels like I do. But I was tired of living a lie and turned to Google because it has all the answers lol.
At first, from my extensive Google searching, I thought it was something medically wrong with me. I asked a OB/GYN if I had a hormonal imbalance, but she said nothing was wrong with me. So then I thought it must be psychological. I started to tell all my friends I didn't want to be in a relationship because I wanted to focus on myself, which wasn't entirely false, but the real reason was because I was considering going to therapists as I thought this would remedy the situation. Fellas, this is the real reason I reject you at clubs, because I know explaining this to you would be a lot of effort and misunderstanding on your end. I mean can you imagine me having to stop and have a whole 30 minute explanation about my asexuality being the reason I rejected you? Which is part of the reason I'm putting this on the blog, so I can direct people here without having to explain myself every time.
So What Now?
I want this post to hopefully make others who have been feeling the same way know they are not alone. This orientation is very new and not everyone knows about it. I feel like there are more of us out there than we think there is! And just to be clear, these are completely NORMAL feelings to be having and there is NOTHING wrong with you. I hope going forward that accepting this as being who I am will attract the right person into my life. I mean who wants to be with an ignorant person anyways? There must be at least one guy out there who doesn't view sex as a deal-breaker in a relationship. I want to be able to be with someone as 100% myself and this is a part of me. If they can't handle it, then they don't deserve to be a part of my life anyways.
For more, check out these podcasts that have helped me self-navigate to accepting this as being me and realizing I'm not alone:
